Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I don't deserve a penis
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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