its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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