i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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