Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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