u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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