JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
