well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I need a burrito and a hug.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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