Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Randomize
