I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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