so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
