just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.