The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.