I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
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After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
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So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Can you bring me the toilet please
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.