I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
