arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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