I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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