Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
