evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
