All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
