I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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