Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
