he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
