What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
