please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
