Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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