My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
