Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
