no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
