Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Randomize
