My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
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He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
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If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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