I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
