I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
