I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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