I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
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He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
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It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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