it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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