On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
