I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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