If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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