I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
