my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Randomize
