____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
