Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
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You tried to poop in the sink last night.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
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I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
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