i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
