i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize