is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
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You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
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honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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