Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
