false alarm. still invincible.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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