So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
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