Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
