I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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