Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
