four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
