so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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