my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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