I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
