Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
