dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
