if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
